JUNE 18, 2026

The people who need you to stay the same

One of the strangest moments in adulthood is realizing that someone is unhappy about a change you’ve made that you believe is healthy.

For instance, maybe you decided to finally set a boundary with a colleague. Or you stopped volunteering to help when for so long you were rescuing others.

Perhaps you made an executive decision and exercised your authority, when before you would have deferred to others to preserve harmony.

In those moments, you might have received subtle forms of resistance. Your colleague seemed irritated at the “new” you. Or your friend said you’ve changed and asked with a tinge of resentment, “what’s gotten into you?”

I remember when I decided to stand up for my values against a dominant family member who no one dared debate, and was told I was being disrespectful and dismissed as “too sensitive.”

We often assume that if a change we decide to make is good, the people who care for us will support it.

But growth rarely works that way. Change for your benefit doesn’t just bring potential discomfort in your life, it can challenge everyone around you.

Why growth creates friction

The reason why your change can create drama for others is related to how our brains make sense of the people in our world.

We create mental shortcuts to navigate life. A common one is to quickly develop expectations about how people we know will act and what impact their behavior will have in our lives.

We’ll make snap judgments like “this person is dependable,” or “that person is competitive.” You may immediately think of one person in your life as a listener who lets you express yourself freely and another whose constant commentary leaves you feeling guarded. Or a relative who can’t tolerate conflict within the family while another can’t get through an event without it.

And based on these judgments (even if they’re not accurate), we will prepare ourselves with expectations about others because they help make each relationship feel predictable and safe.

But the problem is that as people continue evolving, these fixed expectations lag behind.

Confirmation bias ensures that once we’ve held an impression of a person, we keep noticing information that confirms that view while ignoring inputs that contradict it.

As a result, we stop seeing people as they are and only as we’ve learned to expect them to be.

Having our expectations confirmed feels great because it feels certain, and “rewarding,” as if to tell ourselves “see, I knew I was right about them all along.”

But once someone grows and changes, the threat to our familiarity about them comes out.

Murray Bowen, a pioneer of family systems theory, found this happens in many intact groups like families because people settle into patterns and roles that bring stability over time. When a member of that group changes, the system pushes back (similar to how my family did when I stood up to a relative).

You may have experienced this at work or at home too.

Let’s say your boss has suddenly become more unilateral about decisions instead of seeking consensus from you and others like she used to do, because she received feedback on not showing confident and timely judgment.

A simple shift in her style that was unexpected yet healthy for the boss’s leadership growth, still disrupted others’ sense of safety in working for them and likely the team’s trust in each other.

As a result, the system pushes against her change, not because the her growth is wrong, but because it now forces everyone else to adjust their expectations in working together.

The software update problem

This disruption in expectations reminds me of those software updates that are often imposed on us across the technology we use these days.

You know those times when you’ve opened up your phone or an app after an update and felt annoyed?

Yes, that new version is probably better and faster and more secure. But we don’t think of that at first.

We’re aggravated that the search bar is now on the bottom or some button just moved. We may even feel like we don’t want to use that device/app anymore if the maker is going to inconvenience us like that (especially when we’re paying them!)

People often respond the same way when someone in their immediate circle changes. Our expectations of them and the comfort we’ve come to rely on in knowing where they stand in our lives can at best, feel annoying; but at worst can make one consider even cutting ties.

The question then becomes, do you throw away that phone/disconnect that app/cut off that person, or find a way to adapt?

When expectations fall behind

The interesting thing I’ve found about people who struggle with the new version of you, is that they’re not necessarily against who you’ve become. They just don’t know how (or don’t want) to let go of the old you.

Here’s an example from my work with executives who are outgrowing their past styles of leadership, yet are stalling because their teams struggle with their necessary evolution:

I’m often helping a consensus-oriented leader become more authoritative and convicted when making decisions; or conversely a naturally authoritative leader to be more comfortable inviting others to decide with them.

The naturally consensus-driven leader often thinks their team will hate it if they are suddenly more authoritative.

And the naturally directive leader thinks their team will think less of them if they become a more collective-minded, consensus-seeking leader.

So, when these leaders started to adopt their new, “opposite” style, their teams often resist.

But it’s not because they saw the new style as a bad idea (in fact, many wanted their consensus-driven leader to make more key decisions without waiting for full agreement; and many wanted the directive leader to consider other points of view at certain times to avoid blind spots).

Instead, these teams resisted because they felt unprepared for how their boss’s new style would affect their sense of comfort.

Suddenly the directive leader was asking for their inputs which made them feel as if they were being tested and second-guessed because they had never been consulted so much before.

And the consensus-driven leader was now making judgment calls that were more timely but left the team feeling excluded and undervalued.

It was clear these teams had trouble processing - and even grieving - the “old” style of working with their boss. This was because expectations fell behind the leader’s pace of change and what should have been a positive experience of growth instead became a confusing and painful episode for many. The only way out was to slow down the “new” style and let expectations to catch up. And it’s not always easy to do that.

I’ve found that people get stuck at important thresholds and give up on their desired change because they know someone else will be hurt or upset. But growth often requires disappointing a prior expectation in order to create a new reality in the system.

(Note: If interested in a deeper dive on this example and what these leaders did to ease the shift for their teams, feel free to read this Harvard Business Review article I wrote last year.

This week’s experiment

This week, I invite you to pay attention to moments when you feel the urge to slip back into an older version of yourself because someone else is more comfortable with it.

You don’t have to change anything or stand up to anyone. Just observe how you feel and explore if you’re editing yourself. Notice if you’re seeking permission to be who you want to be. And perhaps where you’re playing a role that no longer feels right.

No need to “do” anything, only to “be.” In those moments of awareness, we can often find wisdom and courage to keep growing amidst any subtle or overt resistance. And if you’re up for it, shoot me a note and let me know what comes up for you.

The threshold

The moment you realize that someone else’s expectations of who you’ve been are no longer a good reason to remain there.